GET RID OF THAT TOXIC (WO)MAN

Trisha is one of my friends.
N/B : Trisha isn't her real name. And I have her permission to tell her story here.
She’s in her mid 20’s, smart and objectively sexy.
She met a man named Ben(not his real name) for a semi-spontaneous date at the end of April

.
The chemistry was electric. The food was delicious. The banter was intoxicating. The first kiss was breathtaking. One thing led to another, and the next thing Trisha knew, she was going at it with this virtual stranger in the back of his car!
Now, make no mistake: I am the LEAST judgmental person in the world about this kind of stuff.
Problem is that while it felt right “in the moment”, Trisha was a mess afterwards.

It wasn’t that she didn’t have a good time. She did. It wasn’t that Ben wasn’t a good guy. He was.
It’s that she hopped into bed with him before they’d established ANY sort of relationship. I’m pretty sure she didn’t even know his last name.
So although Ben politely texted her when she got home that first night, Trisha was on edge for days afterwards, waiting impatiently for a call from him.

Friday went by. Saturday went by. Sunday went by.

With each passing day, Trisha felt a rising anxiety. What had she done? Why did she feel this way? How could she stop obsessing?
Mercifully, Ben sent a text on Monday. Predictably, he acted like nothing whatsoever was wrong. In his mind, nothing whatsoever was wrong. He was just following up on the woman he’d slept with to see if she’d like to meet again.
He asked Trisha out the following Saturday. She said yes right away. Like magic, her mood lifted instantly. All because Ben, the cause of Trisha’s turmoil, had texted to save the day!

Saturday rolled around and it was another stupendous evening.
Food, laughter, and another dose of that AMAZING sex she’d just experienced the week before. Except this time, Trisha felt even WORSE afterwards.
It’s not that she hated herself for doing it. It’s not that she blamed Ben for participating in the act.
It’s that she simply could not handle the aftermath of no-strings-attached sex.
A few more days went by before Ben’s obligatory “When can I see you?” text.

Trisha was barely hanging on, so tortured was she by her intense chemical attraction towards Ben.
When she told me about it, she insisted that this was wasn’t just sexual. Trisha really liked Ben and was open to a relationship with him.
And then, almost accidentally, Trisha let something slip: Ben mentioned casually that he never wanted to get married.
Trisha didn’t think this was a big deal. She immediately tried to gloss over that one line, and wondered why I was making such a fuss.

“Trisha, you want to get married again one day, right?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“So why the HELL are you sleeping with a guy when you ALREADY KNOW that the relationship is ultimately doomed?”
After a few seconds of silence and looking at me in shock, Trisha admitted she had no good answer.
While she was still resistant, she agreed that cutting him loose was probably for the best.
Well, guess what?

Trisha didn’t cut off Ben. She only cancelled her third date with him by text. She didn’t have a conversation with him on the phone. She didn’t tell him what I told her to tell him. She didn’t tell him not to call and wish him the best.
Basically, she made it sound like something came up and she would later reschedule.
When I asked her why, she said, meekly, “The sex was really good...” before trailing off. I know that it’s probably a little frustrating to hear Trisha's story - her lack of willpower, her lack of backbone, her lack of boundaries.

It’s probably all the more frustrating because you know you’ve done the exact same thing. Maybe not having sex with a stranger. Maybe not have someone to push you to break up with him/her.
But I am 100% guaranteed that you’ve FOUGHT LIKE HELL to preserve a dysfunctional, objectively BROKEN relationship.

It doesn’t hold up to any logical scrutiny because the relationship isn’t making you happy - it’s making you miserable! Still, you hold on tenaciously, putting yourself through the emotional wringer even though the ending is never in doubt.

From this second forward, promise me one thing:
You will never fight to preserve a bad relationship that’s doomed - no matter how great the chemistry, how awesome the sex, how much you are in love, or how much time you’ve spent. If you're a man reading this and you're in Trisha's place, cut that woman off pronto.

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A GIRL I KNEW

Her eyes were at once her salvation and despair. 

They gave her the means of supporting life, 

but they made life hardly worth supporting.
When she loved, she loved with all her heart. 

But whenever she spoke of love, she had sadness in her voice.

For her, hope made the present period less difficult to bear.

She owed her solitude to other people.
She might have been a slow walker, 

but she never walked backwards.
She had been through shit, but she still smelt nice.
If she never told you of her problems, you'd never know. 

Her smiles were captivating, always.
If you treated her like an option, she'd leave you like a choice.

She never confused motion with action.
She knew she could have it all, but not just have it all at once.
You could never make her feel inferior without her consent.
Sometimes, she was simplified because of her simplicity. 

She lived so absolutely free that her very existence was an act of rebellion.
She was fun, but could be feisty.
The greatest gift she gave to herself was her own attention.
She could be whatever you wanted her to be; the odds had to be in your favor.
She was a friend to many, but few were her friends.
Her beauty might have been dangerous, but her intelligence was lethal.

She fed her faith and all her fears starved to death.
Wherever she went, no matter the weather, she always took her own sunshine.
She never claimed as a right, that which she should ask as a favor.
She was flawed
Above all, she knew her demons.
A struggle wrapped in strength, she was a girl I knew. She bore a charmed life.

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THE UNWELCOMED ESCORT(S)

I was talking to a male friend of mine and he told me that recently, he asked
this girl out on a date. When she arrived, she was with 3 of her friends. He quickly told the taxi driver, ''Don't leave, you are taking these girls back, here is the money''.

Phew! Anybody else noticed this trend? In your case, she might not have brought 3 of her friends, maybe less or more. You might not have paid the taxi fare and asked the driver to take them back. You might have played the role of a gentleman, unlike my friend.  What's worse? Some girls don't even give you a heads up before bringing along their unwelcomed escort(s).

You should have seen the facial expressions of some guys while they shared their ordeals with me. One said when he asked his date why she brought her friend along, she replied, ''Well, I just met you. I thought I should bring my friend along so I feel safe.''
When you think of it, can your friend REALLY make you feel safe? Probably. But definitely not when the guy drugs and rapes both of you.

Other guys were concerned about having to spend more money on drinks and food. Since she brought her friends along, you have to pay more. What happens when you're not with that amount of money? Her friends get to know you're broke and talk her out of dating you. Worse, the guy flees the scene, leaving the ladies to either pay for the expenses or be abashed. I can't even begin to imagine what would happen if the girls and her friends aren't with cash or credit card. Perhaps, they could trade their watches, shoes, bags or phone?

For some guys, it is just the fact that they can't charm the pants off the girl. "I have never banged a girl that came with a friend to a date. However, if she is alone, I could try kissing her and see where things lead to. But with her friend(s) there, they'll glare at me. If a girl brings her friend(s) along with her to a date, I'm out. I don't care how hot she is.", was what another young man had to say.

Has anyone tried going along with this, just to end up giving the friend (too much) attention, causing drama and that jealousy wheel starts spinning? Your date gets jealous and you say in your head, "You brought it on yourself".

                                            Photo source: www.cartoonstock.com

Moreover, if the friend(s) don't like the guy, there's a high chance of losing the girl. So, guys want you to come ALONE to that date, unless they agree beforehand that you bring your friend(s).

For the ladies, some said it has to do with the culture. Sort of a chaperone method of dating. It keeps a lady from getting laid on the first date and forces most men to be gentlemen.

"It's good for ladies to do that because some guys like to flaunt money. If the guy has money and isn't flaunting, cool, I won't go with my friends. But, if he is flaunting, I will go with my friends. However,I will have to let him know that I'm not coming alone.", was what a lady had to say.

For another who seems to care a lot about what happens to her, this was what she said "I can't go with my friends because I don't know his financial stability. Maybe he has plans of running away without paying, hence I need myself alone so I can pay my way out".

Other ladies expressed concern over the fact that your friend might snatch the guy from you.

For some, you don't have privacy and can't get to know the guy more especially if it's a first date.

It's one thing to tell your friend(s) where you're meeting someone - that's a security issue, and I get that. But your friend(s) participating in the date?

No. Is it a group date? A double date? Makes no sense to me.

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FEAR VERSUS CONFIDENCE

A shaky self-confidence or relentless self-doubt stops many people from pursuing their passions. A fear of failure gnaws at them, leaving them at a standstill and unsatisfied with their lives.

Nothing interferes with the ability to have an authentic, reciprocal relationship like low self-esteem. If you can’t believe you’re good enough, how can you believe a loving partner
could choose you? Low self-esteem can make you sabotage relationships that have potentials, or settle for relationships which you’re treated in a way that matches your beliefs about yourself.

You feel wretched and fantasize that a knight in shining armor will take you out of your circumstances and make everything better. This longing may have formed from falling in love with the fantasy of a father. Maybe yours was unavailable enough that you
could idealize him without ever testing his fallibility. You may think you know why your father never “saved” you: it was your fault, not his. Or maybe he did, over and over and your relationship has to make you feel just
like that again.

Therefore, you may feel compelled to hold tight to the fantasy of perfection as the bar you set for your partner to live up to. Even if your partner turns out to be solid, consistent, and loving (though not in a flashy way), you may disqualify the efforts, and find ways to sabotage the relationship.

How could he really love me? She doesn’t really love me, does she? Below the surface, these insecurities guide your emotions and actions. You can’t believe you could be truly loved and so you test your partner at every chance you get so that (s)he can demonstrate
his/her value (which you don’t believe or trust). 

If your parents experienced a painful divorce or betrayed each other, you might feel unable to trust a partner now, whether you are conscious of your guardedness or not. Click 《》 to read my article on the effects of divorce.

You may be hesitant and afraid of allowing yourself to love so that you either abandon your partner
before you can be abandoned or you won't allow yourself to get fully into a relationship in the first place. You are deeply afraid of exposing yourself to the possibility of being hurt.

Despite circumstances that could contribute to low self-esteem, some (wo)men are just built to be resilient. They’re born that way or work really hard to acquire the ability – despite
negative experiences – to engage in a positive, substantive relationship as they mature. Maybe there was a figure somewhere in her life that provided guidance and support and
helped to offset her low self-esteem with resilience. Resilience enables women to be more measured in their approach to men, rather than hysterical about it.

With low self-esteem, it can seem as if
nothing comes easily or naturally to you. Instead, because you don’t see yourself as naturally lovable, you feel like you have to fight and claw and strive for a mate. It’s as if unless you go nine million extra miles for something, you’re not going to get it.
Unfortunately, this can make you obsessed, consumed and infatuated with your object of affection in a way that ruins the ability to have a viable trajectory.

You're already so far ahead. When the relationship doesn’t develop easily or on your timeline, it's hard to tolerate. Instead, this is your cue to work even harder. Just know that it is hard for the other person to sustain that level of intensity right along with you, and it may be a more intense experience than (s)he is ready for.

Are you willing to surrender your hopes for an authentic connection with a partner to guarantee wealth and "financial safety"? This category manifests as the need to trap a
mate with looks or sex or your other physical resources while hiding what you see as a shameful inner part of yourself. This also allows the emotional safety of control: you’re in control of your ability to please a (wo)man
without having to give away your heart.
Because you are familiar with situations such as  being left, being cheated on, etc. you gravitate towards relationships in which you’re able to feel this familiar insecurity. When it’s not there, you may even create it. If the relationship becomes too secure, you may become disinterested and bored and you may stray.

You’re so used to having to work to safe an insecure relationship that these types of relationships become the only ones you are used to. But, at the same time, a deeper part of you tries to push your relationship to the brink and then back again so you can artificially create an experience of insecurity.

You’re willing to commit yourself to the person who expresses interest in you. You become much less discriminating about who you choose. You may even be willing to put up with a behavior that doesn't satisfy you, because you
feel lucky to have anyone at all, even though you are aware you are not happy.

It can be hard to imagine and even harder to believe that you can create and sustain authentic connections. As a means of protecting yourself, you assume dishonesty even from an honest partner, which in turn sours the relationship as it goes on. Then, as
you disbelieve your partner so often, maybe even relentlessly that (s)he may begin to consider lying a viable option – (s)he is already “doing the time”, why not commit the crime? This in turn reaffirms your belief that no one
can be trusted.

There are far more ways people express low self-esteem in relationships. But
sometimes the self-knowledge gained by reading an article like this can help you understand not just pieces of who you are, but also pieces of who you are not.

Self-knowledge can help you steer away from some of these patterns of low self-esteem in relationships toward understanding, accepting and integrating your emotions, beliefs, and behaviors. Appreciating how your
actions have been impacted by your history can help you create an authentic connection in the here and now.

There is a huge misunderstanding that someone who cheats must be really confident — that is, they must think a whole lot of themselves. The jilted
person may then assume that if they felt better about themselves, their partner wouldn't have strayed. This is detrimental thinking, as it is the cheater's insecurity that's the real cause of disloyalty.

We subconsciously rate how confident a person is by how they act and the
persona they put out in the world. But our assumptions aren't always right.

It takes guts to be committed. To become emotionally intimate with another person in any relationship takes courage. If you really think about it, you're letting down your guard to a stranger. It can be pretty scary to allow someone else in, to see yourself as you truly are beyond your mask — especially if you haven't taken a peak inside yourself.

If you are not OK with yourself, you'll simply run from one surface-skimming relationship to another to avoid getting close. This is cowardly; not a sign of confidence. This isn't love, but fear.

True confidence comes not from having it all together, but by being completely secure in all sspects of yourself — the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly — and accepting all of it without judgment. You can drop the mask
that seeks approval from others and just be comfortable being you. Some people believe that loving yourself is about being positive or enlightened, but it really is just accepting yourself even when you are a brat, a dork or say stupid things.

It's OK to make mistakes, but remember that not only are you humane, you are divine. You want a partner who doesn't expect
perfection or desire a pretty mask to cover up what (s)he doesn't want to face about themselves. You want someone brave and confident in the face of life's ups and downs.

How do you attract a confident person? Be one. Don't run away from yourself when things get tough, and you'll find a partner who will stick with you too. If you don't run, they won't run. Confidence breeds commitment....with the right person, ofcourse.

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